I realised I've learnt something! About me! Well I have learnt a lot through this year (a hell of a lot past three-four years even though my mom said it was a total waste of time to be in a school for almost four years and not get a degree) and now I've started learning something totally new in my life! Cool! But that's got nothing to do with what I was talking about now. Or does it... No I dont think so 'cause the bigger learning progress has got something to do with people and all kind of stuff concerning the stuff you need to handle in every day life. And I basically lack almost all of those kind of talents. Errr...
What I realised is that I need to speak up more. Just 'cause usually I'm right. Ok, no. That's not the reason. The reason is that I usually think a lot of stuff in my head, for example in projects, about stuff which needs to be done. And there is this weird way that I think everyone else realises the same stuff I do and then I just don't say anything. Then comes the moment when someone else realises what needs to be done and at that point it usually involves hurrying.
But the problem points are:
1. As I said - in some weird way I think people notices the same stuff I do. And if they dont bring it up, why should I? (Usually the things are written on a paper... that is one reason probably why I think I'm not the only one seeing it...)
2. I don't wanna step on anyone. And usually I have no idea what are the roles of everyone. So I have no clue where goes the line when to shut up and when to not (and I am the kind of person who usually then just shuts up). I have no clue which problems concerns me (in a way all of them if it involves group work. But then again no. SO... wtf!?)
3. I think too much and do too little. It's the basic problem of my whole (fucking) life. It's just the way I am.
Seriously thinking I feel like I'm not gonna go through this school either. Blah. Why is life so hard... It would be so much fun if someone would just tell me what are my likes and dislikes. Then I could at least be a little bit of a rebel and turn the whole thing upside down. Through my life there has only been one thing to fight against and that's ME! You can't expect one to grow to be a healthy person when you need to be the biggest enemy of yourself. And the biggest fan also. That's just fucked up basically. Besides it makes you feel really uncomfortable and insecure. On top of it all, I can't find myself that way. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. I just hate life so fucking much. Seriously. Everything is just fucked up but not enough fucked up to be sad or depressed or anything for it. Just plain stupid. Everything. Pheeew...
On top of it all - I don't want to go to Vantaa for two weeks. TWO WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS! I'm so gonna kill myself. Sorry but I just... hate Christmas. Hate the thin line of being an adult and still not being able to do as I like. That's also just fucked up.
One more fucked up thing - when you're longing for something. You know. For example missing your friends or something. I don't have that. I did before fall holiday. After that I've been just so dissapointed about my whole life. Before the vacation I could keep myself in this illusion about how Vantaa is so great and blablablablaa 'I miss so much'-shit. I actually don't miss anyone from there even though I have very important people there. But I do have them spread around the country so maybe I miss so much that I can't even feel it 'cause it's spread in little pieces? ...yeah right... I'm just not the kind of person who misses anything else but myself. Would be fun not to be so fucked up with yourself! Feet on the ground and baby steps etc.
Oh well. What else to do than just live? Oh Yeah, die in the end.
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| Hosting with Hanna around last Christmas (check out my hair! Much hair!) |
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